Monday, May 5, 2014
Whenever I think about it, my feelings are tangled in a knot. Just last summer, I went on a trip with my school. We were landed in Glasgow and funny thing is that (call me stupid) I didn't know where that is, sure I've heard about it or see it on twitter when a band or a singer goes on tour and stuff but I had no idea about it or Scotland. I was even a little pissed when I found out we were not going to land in London. I thought it was just a country side of the UK and we'll see farms, horses and chickens...
Well this... made me realize now how little knowledge that I have about the outside world.
When I arrived, surely it wasn't what I expected.
Anyway, I want go back and live there. As an international applicant I have to apply to the college first for my first year and well, I got an offer since January.
The only problem that I got is, I don't have the guts to tell my parents. They believe I want to go to the local university here in my country just as much as they do. Right, it's a big thing (and it should be, because it's hard as hell to get into the state university here) if I could nail the test and got in, but that's not what I have in mind.
Honestly, I have never visioned myself to be here. I'm so ready to get out of the country and scratch a few things in my bucket list because I can't do it here. I want to have this dream and live it. On the contrast, my parents are busy slamming me into living theirs (or what they believe to be mine too). So they made me go to this course that I have been in for a year and to continue until I get into the university. I am tormented. every single day.
It's not because that I have to learn about something, it just makes me feel I'm doing he opposite of what I want to do in my life and to live by my own choices. I see my friends, they are so eager for the future. A few of them are going out of the country, some stay here and pursue their dreams, but that's the key word. The dream.
I'm scared to live a lie for four years. Thinking it's okay to waste my years. I'm probably gonna regret it my whole life.
Just yesterday, I planned on telling them while we are having a nice lunch and they seemed to be in such a good mood. I was right there and ready to vomit the words out, but I just didn't. I hate myself for that, it doesn't make sense, they are just my own parents! and it's not like I'm gonna tell them I get knocked up by some random dude I met in the public restroom or something. (which remind me why I'd never get knocked up like that and then I have to tell them) I was literally hyperventilating, and I could hear my own hearts beats and get sweaty hands.
But yes people, I didn't do it.
It gets me so stressed because it feels like I'm being torn and everything is pulling me to different directions and I'm just gonna be ripped off.
I'm trying to gain some courage though. the key is to believe and to never give up.
I'll have that in mind.
until next time!